Friday, 29 April 2011


Ayah, why is it so SO hard to make you proud?
I've written numerous blog posts about you . And how I've always wanted you to be proud of me.
But it's so hard when everything I do seems not good enough in your eyes.
Every effort I made, you make it sounds like it's so bad.
And yet again, I feel like a big failure :/

What do you expect from me?
'Cause I want you to look at me and be proud to have me as your daughter.
Each time I went to the library, I see your face.
Displaying there. For everyone to see.
I'm so so proud to be your daughter.

Everytime I see that photo of you, it drives me to work even harder.
That's why I go to the library most of the times.
'Cause whenever I feel like giving up, I look at your picture.
And I'll know I need to work harder,
'Cause in the end, if I made it, you're gonna be real proud of me,
and that's all that matters.

That is all that matters. For you and mother to be proud of me.
And I know when that moment comes, Ill be extremely happy too (:

Tuesday, 26 April 2011

Aisya Z.

I'll be praying that soon you'll be here with me.
Life is so cruel without you here beside me


Do you think it is possible that there'll be one day where your tears would just dried up and you would stop crying ?
Or is it just me who got so good at holding up my tears after months of practice ?

All I know is Im getting better and more believable in showing a smile on my face each day,
Though Im not sure wether thats a good thing or not?

I dont feel like smiling inside. But between faking a smile and crying my heart out,
it seems like faking a smile is far less painful. Cause the pain will just remain emotionally.
But if I cry my heart out, it comes together with other pains such as chestpain, extreme headache,
nose-blocked and everything in between .

So I guess all I have to do is keep smiling,
and maybe sooner or later Id actually feel like smiling all the time.
Genuine smiles :) Maybe,
Oh well the least I can do is hope.

P/S : Account was horrible and what I hoped would never happen, was just proven real.


Saturday, 23 April 2011


Dear Bloggy,

          Alhamdulillah Ive managed to settle two papers. 3 more to go and I'm back home! :) Oh yeay! But these past days have been..full of dramas. Serious mcm hindustan. I swear I could make a movie on my life and it would go box offiice. ahaha at least that's what they say :) Oh well, so dalam usaha utk menenangkan fikiran, I chose utk berangan. Hahah!

So apa I berangan about? ...Hm Have you ever thought about your honeymoon? That special time to spend only with your beloved partner and no one is there to disturb you two for days? Even weeks? *winkwink*
YES! I think about it all the time, and I wonder which city would be nice to go on a honeymoon.

AND SOOOO. I've decided, insyaAllah kalau ada rezeki, I nak go on three weeks honeymoon! One week in one city. So that means, Imma go to three cities. eheh (BARE W ME. Nak berangan lebih jap).

Ahah the first city I wanna go is..jeng jeng jeng

VENICE! Eversince I watched the Tourist, serious fall in love w this city ;) Sangat sngat cantik and breathtaking. It's the "City of Water", "City of Masks", "City of Bridges", "The Floating City", and "City of Canals".  The New York Times, described it as "undoubtedly the most beautiful city built by man".
Even the architectures are amazing! LOVE.boleh? 
Venice has also been described by the Times Online as being one of Europe's most romantic cities.
To die for , kan!Oh well, one is allowed to dream. eheh. 

  Alright, second city issssss : 

ROME. OMG OMG, ahaha the most popular tourist attraction in Italy. Oh well, it has historical buildings that hold 1001 stories. Lovelovelovelove. The city as a whole is just too mesmerizing for me. Ahah

And of course, last but not least

PARIS :) I think it's everyone's dream honeymoon. Its the CITY OF LLOOOVE. Nuff said :)

Oh aww. in such a romantic mode. Marry me please? :)


Thursday, 21 April 2011

Boring to the max

Okay ni sngt sweet kan ? sngt terharu  :') My #1 supporter. Haha! okay random

Cant wait to be home soon so I can meet my little angel

Eh my baaad. Not my little angel, but my very own hip hoper here :)
Gahh, achu loves you.

and guess what?
Sadly, its final examination week :( gonna be very busy.
I guess Imma have to wait until im back home to continue blogging. ahah

Guess what I do all through study week?

Karaoke, Movies, Makan2. LENGKAP :) Ahhahah
Sngt productive kan? I know.

Oh well, I should be studying CTU now.
Wish me luck!


Tuesday, 19 April 2011

Beyond Nervous.

It is safe to say that my  preparation for calculus final paper in 7 hours time is around 50% .
And Im beyond scared.

Never even once this whole semester I met anyone who has doubt in me.
Nobody ever questioned by ability to score this semster.
Each time, all I hear is "ah you no problemla. confirm can ".
and that, makes me scared even more.
Based on how I am now, Im afraid Imma let everyone down.
Even worse. Ill let MYSELF down.
I cant handle that.

But things have been way out of control.
Im driving off the course.
Im losing my self.
and all I want is to be on the right track again.

But there are so many factors that are stopping me from doing so.
And Im constantly being pulled down.

The final blow, hit so low,  Im still on the ground.
Remember we used to touch the sky ?

Sunday, 17 April 2011


"Ciya, I happy sngt hari ni :))
:) Why?
Because I dpt tengok you senyum sepanjang hari"

Of course I would smile.
I cried in the morning.
You stayed w me until evening to make sure I cheered up again :)
I didnt even realise I was laughing by the time I got back to my room.
You turn my day from potentially a bad one into a great one.

Friday, 15 April 2011

This is How I Feel.

Try having a wound, so deep; that no matter how good I've collected myself all this while, All you need to do is TOUCH it , and Ill come crushing down back \yet again in a blink of an eye.

Next thing I know, Im back at square one.
And Id have to collect all the energy I have just to have another determination to build my life again...

Until someone touches the wound for the kazillionth time.

Its a constant struggle.
And Im not sure for how long I could do that again n again.

Had a decent conversation w my calculusI lecturer just now regarding carry marks and finals :
Sir Rijal-me
Buat leklok final t
InsyaAllah sir. semester ni banyak competition :(
Sangat stuju; tapi nampak u cam cool jer..ka u act jer lebey! di dalam sapa yg tahu...
Ahaha saya mmg cool. HAHA. tp cool tk bertempat tau . :/:/ takda sifat rajin nak berlawan dngn org -.-
sebenarnya deep down risau sngt. tp tak berbuat apa2 pun utk menghilangkan risau tu..ahah!
ala jangan risow2
u kena sedar.. u ada secret weapon yang owg laen tak der... haha
apa dia?
mana ley kasik taw.. i think you know better kowt..
Maintain your performance and get the hell out of Merbok.
Part 4 I dah tknak tengok dah muka u kt sini.!

Haha ada-ada je sir ni, secret weaponla,apa la :)
But honestly speaking sir, if it wasnt for you, I dont think I could carry this calculus subejct as well.
You make everything seems easier.
Thank you soso much'
And Ill forever remember your jasa.

You rock, bigtime! boleh?
ahaha ayat you.

ANYHOW. Calculus is the first paper for the finals. FIRST.
and its this coming wednesday,
3 days to go. 3!! haha

Note to self:
Gosh please la gather all your energy ciya and start working your a** off this finals.
You cant afford to lose okay? You cannot lose!
Siti Fadzlena Ain, BRING IT ON!
Okay tk kelakar.
Saya sngt takut dngn awak -.-
Atiq Khairuddin - thank you so much for being so smngt to read my blog everytime. Haha


Tuesday, 12 April 2011

It's on!



I have only 2 weeks left here in Kedah.
God knows how ecstatic I am.

But that means.. I have one week to go to finals.
Double OMG.

The pressure is onnnnn.
Eveeryone is stepping up their game.
and I feel so left out.

I lack determination.

You cant become like a couch potato now ciya. not now.

Sunday, 10 April 2011

I wanna come home.

I have never been the type of daughter who shares everything with her mother.
Many problems I've faced, Id try to not let her know .
Basically because I don't want her to worry. I want her to know that her child is happy,
So she can be happy too.
And when your mother is happy, she'll be so nice to you, and YOU in return will be happy too kan kan?

But lately, I know I cant handle all this on my own.
I cant handle facing everyday feeling so uncomfortable the minute I step out of my room.

And so I messaged my mum. I told her my story .
Asked her for her opinion.

I wanted to stop being in the comittee. I was determined.
I wanted to march up and say that starting this moment, I quit.
Because even w good intention, still I was treated badly.
And I dont wanna be working everytime forcing the smile out of me.

I told my mum my dilemma.
This wass what she told me

Hang in there. Everything that you're facing is just a test. 
People will eventually know who you really are.
Just stay nice to others as I know you always are. Do not take things too hard.
Sometimes they do things because they don't know you.

Ah yes. thank you ma.

Thats another thing I noticed here.  The fact that people talk about you as if they know everything about you
when the bottom line is, they dont. They dont.

and then I asked her so I should stay..?
Another reply :

Ayah kata dont bother how other people treat you. There will be people like that.
Stay on if you think it's good for the community there.
We love you. Take care.

Haha I knew I could gain some strength from them.
But ma, pa, 
at this moment, I just wanna be with you two.
Serve you two at home.
Not here.
Can I?

Friday, 8 April 2011

Mentally Abused.

Alhamdulillah I got through my account test this morning.
Account is the only subject that Im not lying when I say my level of understanding is 5%.
Sad huh ?  But after struggling overnight (cheh satu malam je), haha
I was able to NOT passed up a blank paper.
Yay me :)

It has been a constant struggle here in UiTM.
Life here is so very VERY VERY hard.
I know I've said this alot but it means so much more this morning somehow.
What if the place you go to run from problems and frustration, is NOW a problem and the cause to your frustration?
I was mentally abused.

You know, I've always been the type of person that supports the believe to "tegur" someone
if he or she has done something wrong.
I believe you should come clean about everything, rather than keeping it inside.
Yes, I admit, I support the idea a 110%.  Thats the way it should be.

BUT the motive of it all is to make sure everything is out , nicely, so that BOTH parties
are satisfied in the end, right?  It's supposed to be a win-win situation right? 
So the case would end there and everything will be okay again, w no awkwardness, RIGHT?

What if one of the party is standing in a very offensive way ?

Talking w a tone so harsh it goes straight to your heart? 
Or maybe using the expression of extreme EXTREME annoyance? 
Tilting the back slightly behind as if to show some sense of total control ?

would YOU take that as teguran, or plainly scolding you ?
We should know there's a thin thin line separating teguran, from offending.

I might have sounded so stupid w the excuses,
but Im just a human who was attacked back to back; in surprised. IN FRONT of teammates.
Any natural respond would be immediate defend. There's no time to think.
But I didnt talk much because I know theres no point of me doing so. 

And nobody has ever talked to me like that.
Even my father didnt do that.
His method is always .. "Ciya..come sit down w me. I have something to talk to you about.."
and he went on lecturing me, with soft tone, but very tegas.
And I would remember his lecture for the rest of my life cause it went straight to my
And I strongly believe he raised me up just fine. 
If there is any imperfections on me, it is all due to my own boystrous self.

Im not some kid .
And I believe that Ive never intended to disrespect anybody ,even once.

But the concept of respect is you got to earn it.
You have to give respect in order to get respect.
It's not a one way thing.

But now, by the way how everybody conduct a meeting, how I was scolded like I'm the stupidest person alive, I feel like I've just made the WHOLE EVENT came crashing down into 
a hugeee disaster!...just because I didnt make it there.
Everybody is extremely disappointed. Extremely annoyed. 
And it's a horrible HORRIBLE feeling to feel like that you know?
To feel as if you're the cause to a major chaos.
 But the thing is now...that DISASTER didnt even happen.
My fault was only normal human's careless mistake....I was forgetful n careless in everyway.
and I got brought down like some worst criminal on trial.
I do think my absence was negligible.

AND it shouldnt be the platform for you to judge me like Im not gonna show support in the future.
Consider the effort Ive put in all this while.
I might not be the type who is ever so friendly and close with the committee,
but at least I got every work done.

I'm sorry. I know where you're coming from. I know you people's intention was noble. 
I'll try to improve.
but you can't do all that to me, and simply asked for me to not be feeling down ;
To not be awkward w everyone .
Immediately snap back out from a criminal and be cheery again.
 Dont you think it's just a tad bit to hard now ?
I just cant
I did everything by heart, but now I feel im gonna force everything.
But dont worry, if theres anything Ive learnt from being here,
is PRETEND :) Im so good at pretending to be fine.


Monday, 4 April 2011


Zu'ain Zaizura is so gay, you'd have to hide all your daughters and wives.
I swear she'll take as many as she can.

Want to know how she looks like so you can be careful?
Well, she's the SETIAUSAHA 1 of the college representatives comittee.
Ada makna tu dia join JPK for girls college. *winkwink*

Goodluck saving yourselves ;)

Sunday, 3 April 2011

EXecutive COmittee of Recreation and Sports.

The title says it all.
The portfolio I received for College Representatives Committee.
Or better known in UiTM as Jawatankuasa Perwakilan Kolej.

First impression : :O ZOMG.! 

but my face was properly showing this :  (: *nods*

Good cover huh? Aahaha
Well to be honest, it sounded so, far-fetched.
I didn't know whatever Ive done NOR said that made them think I should get that post.
Ahaha. I can't even play sports too much due to health reasons -.-

BUT. it's all about taking chances, isn't it?
Grabbing every opportunity we can to learn something.
Gain something from the experience.
I do not know what to expect from all this , so it is gonna be a little bit of adventure.
And adventure is always fun and memorable, no?

The only..thing that was rather challenging to accept was the fact that
there are people above me that was not even active!
Harap ada JPK around, fuh. Tip top.
JPK takda, LESAP. Liat nak turun padang kerja.

HOWEVER. to be on the positive side,
Who knows after she got this big resposibility, she would oblige to her duties,
and actually perform well ?
Who knows? :) InsyaAllah let's pray for the best.

Wish me Luck!


Fat Weekend,

After a long horrible week,
I decided to escape from the pressuring UiTM,
and enjoy a weekend free of chaos :)

And so we went to..
jyeah my favourite hometown.
I know anybody else would go to penang but we went to Alor Setar.
Rock gila kan? I know :p

Unfortunately, I didnt get the chance to visit my old hometown,
but being somewhere there was enough to give me the peace I needed :)
A trip down memory lane when my late grandparents were still alive,
It felt so much like home.

We crashed at a friend's house.

ANDDDDDDD the activities were the best part of it all!

Here is the list of what we did :

    Arrived around late at night, went to eat char kuey teow + milo ais.
    Pusing2 tanpa arah tuju, went to Jitra for a bit of KFC and a second round of supper or "minum2" <3
    Went back home, watched astro sambil online till it was about 4, then sleep.
    Woke up at 8.30am went to breakfast at kopitiam w/o mandi, ate roti canai + roti terlur +
     a bit of nasi lemak

    Came back home, continued sleeping.
    12.00 noon woke up, mandi, went to isi perut at a stall w some cendol pulut
     Lunch at pacific for some laksa & Mc Donalds.
     Came back home to pack up stuffs, sleep.
     Woke up at 6pm and left for UiTM
     Stopped along the way for nasi lemak + ayam goreng berempah!

So you see, it was basically eat, and sleep.
How can I not be happy ? :)
Maybe later on after I see the effects on my weight. HAHA